This is What You Get For Writing Fanfiction
by MahaVailo
Summary: Fan meets (twisted) fantasy! Can Yugi and the gang survive the nine circles of fanfiction? Everything you love (or love to hate) about the imaginations of your fellow otaku comes together to give our heroes hell.
1. It Begins

This is What You Get for Writing Fanfiction

_Attack of the slash-hatters_

Summary: Fan meets (twisted) fantasy!  Can Yugi and the gang survive the nine circles of fanfiction?  Everything you love (or love to hate) about the imaginations of your fellow otaku comes together to give our heroes hell.

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or Trigun.  They belong to Kazuki Takahashi and Yasuhiro Nightow, respectively.  Go them!

****Note:  You don't have to read my intro, because it's rather annoyingly long.  However, it does explain some things, so if you're curious (or just bored) then by all means! ****

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Fanfiction is addicting.

I used to tell myself, "Nope!  I'll never be involved with _those_."  But eventually the temptation was too great – "Just this once, and then I'll quit…" I thought.  And now lookit that, I'm hooked.

I think it's the cheesy badness of it all.  And that's what this fanfiction is about.  I started writing this as a spoof of one thing, and it sort of exploded into everything, but rest assured that whenever it seems like I'm writing myself into a hole, I do know where I'm going with this (kinda!).  If you want an explanation, well, before I begin I should say: flame me all you want; it was just too much fun for me to write this.  If anyone reads this and finds that they actually _like_ it, please review it so I know I'm not alone in the world (all you gotta do is press the button!  Even if all you write is, "I read this.")  Thanks.

Well anyway, the real reason behind this fanfiction is… fanfiction (hence the title!).  Oh, I should explain the term "slash-hatters."  Whenever we visit any anime website, my sister and I can't help but comment on the rampant "pairing" fics, and (to us at least) some of them seem Completely Random (like my capitalization!)  Sometimes just scrolling down and reading the summaries is entertainment.  So we would say that maybe these fangirls just throw all the characters names in a hat, draw two out and type a slash between them.  And so the slash-hatters were born!

Of course I know it's not true.  Everyone has their favorites. 0.o;  Some just disturb me more than others… so what can I do but write this?  I don't actually have problems with romance fics, and I don't have problems yaoi either.  It's more like, there are _certain_ imaginary fangirl relationship ~things~ that are kinda ewy/random.

-Anzu with the villains

-A Hikari with his own Yami

-Kaiba with anyone…but most notably Yugi!

It bothers me sometimes to see Anzu so mistreated in fanfiction.  I think that most people don't appreciate her – probably because in the English version of the show she is, admittedly, pretty annoying.  However, if anyone would read the manga (which is really good, by the way) or somehow get an episode in Japanese, then maybe more people would like her.  That's all I have to say about that.

As for the Hikari/Yami thing… my main deal is that it's physically impossible.  My other deal is that it's creepy.  I've noticed that a lot of fanfic writers split the two personalities into different bodies so they can move independently of each other.  For the purposes of my story, I've left them in the same body and given them the usual different names.*

Finally, my explanation for Kaiba is that, let's face it, no matter how neat he is sometimes he's really a jerk to everyone.  We all know he has a soft side.  And I won't deny that he seems kind of obsessed with Yugi, although not in a good way!  (My character information is a random splice of the manga and the Japanese and English anime, just so you know, but in Japanese the characters have more depth – not to mention better voices ^.^).  And I know that the fan favorite is Seto/Jounouchi…-.-;  But if you stop to think about it it's just… disturbing.  They're so incompatible.  But then, that's just my opinion.

Basically what I'm trying to say is this: when I watch a series for a long time I get really attached to the characters, and my sister and I both are pretty good at seeing past the surface in people.  So I love the characters the way they are.  It's always fun to mess with stuff, but when I see my favorite characters Grossly Distorted… it makes me want to write a spoof.  I hope no one's offended.  You may have noticed, I'm a bit of a hypocrite.  Oh well.

* Nifty Chart Thing! (My pet peeve is when people don't explain Japanese usage/name changes, even though I always know what they mean I know not everyone does.)

-English ~ Japanese ~ Usual Nickname:

-Yugi Moto ~ Yugi Mutou ~ Yugi

-Yami ~ Yami Yugi (sometimes they call him "the other Yugi") ~ Yami

-Joey Wheeler ~ Jounouchi Katsuya ~ Jounouchi

-Tristan Taylor ~ Honda Hiroto ~ Honda

-Tea Gardener ~ Mazaki Anzu ~ Anzu

-Duke Devlin ~ Otogi… Something (I can't remember, sorry!) ~ Otogi

-Serenity Wheeler ~ Jounouchi Shizuka ~ Shizuka (which means "quiet" or "serene" or something, so they actually gave her a good English name ^-^)

-Seto Kaiba ~ Kaiba Seto ~ Kaiba (Wanna know a secret?  Kaiba's name means "seahorse." Hee hee hee…)

-Mokuba Kaiba ~ Kaiba Mokuba ~ Mokuba

-Ryou Bakura ~ Bakura Ryou ~ Ryou

-"The Spirit of the Millennium Ring"~ "Bakura Ryou Ja Nai" (He actually says this himself at some point) ~ Yami Bakura/Bakura

-Marick Ishtar ~ Ishtar Malik – Malik

-Scary evil thing ~ The dark side of Malik's personality ~ Yami Marik/Marik

-Ishizu Ishtar ~ Ishtar Ishizu (or Isis) ~ Ishizu

-Mai Valentine (-.-;) ~ Kujaku Mai ~ Mai

-Maximillion Pegasus ~ Pegasus J. Crawford (he's _American_ -.-;) ~ Pegasus

Note: The characters still call Ryou "Bakura."  Why? Because that's what they call him in the anime.  Deal with it.

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*****Oh, one more thing.  I did the true fangirl thing and wrote myself into the fic as a malevolent puppetmaster.  However, because my screenname is the name of a card and it would be weird for them to call me that, the characters just refer to me as A-chan.  Just telling you, to avoid future confusion.******

Scene setting: generic town-like place with shops and a courtyard.

Yugi, Jounouchi, Honda and Anzu run into the square, breathless.

Anzu: Jounouchi, did you have to pick a fight with those champion boxers?!

Jounouchi:  No one tries to drive their motorcycle over Yugi and gets away with it!

Yugi: (Looks somewhat disheveled) It's okay, Jounouchi.  I'm fine.

Honda: Don't look now guys, but there might be more trouble.

Honda gestures behind them to Malik and Bakura who are walking in their direction, apparently arguing about something.  The two spot "our heroes," and Malik seems a little alarmed.  He quickly throws his hood over his head and Bakura's ring flashes – he returns to his Hikari state.  Ryou looks confused a moment, then walks up to Yugi and the gang, shadowed by Malik.

Ryou: Hi everyone!  Um, can you tell me where I am?

Yugi:  We just got here too, really… (everyone leans to the side, looking past Ryou at Malik.  Malik pulls on his hood, trying to obscure his face).  _Does he really think we don't see him?_  Yugi wonders.

Strange person:  Oi!  Everyone!

Everyone turns around to find a short, curly-haired girl in a red coat standing behind them.  She smiles innocently.

_She seems nice_, Yugi thinks to himself.  Just then, Kaiba appears out of nowhere.

Jounouchi: Hey, where did you come from?!

Kaiba: I thought it was strange that you're all gathered in the same place.

Girl (me):  I'm glad you're all here.  My name is A-chan, and I have a proposition for you.  You see, I'm really the author of this fanfiction.

Yugi: We're in a fanfiction!?

Me: Oh yes.  But don't worry!  I thought you guys could use a break, so I wrote this for you.  How'd you like to be normal teenagers for once and go to a typical teenage party?

Everyone thinks about this for a minute.  It was true; they didn't have a lot of time to be high schoolers what with all of the strange things constantly disrupting their lives.  Eventually everyone nods their head and mumbles in agreement.

Me: Great!  So… let's go!

The scenery instantly changes into a house with large speakers playing pop music and long tables of food and beverages.

Jounouchi:  Hey, this is pretty nice!

Honda: Yeah!  Hey, there's beer…um, you know we're underage, right?

Me:  Eh, whatever.  This is a party.  Enjoy yourselves.

Honda: Nice!  (Reaches for a can, but doesn't make it-Anzu grabs his wrist)

Anzu: Hold it, Honda.  There's got to be a catch.  We shouldn't just-

Anzu is interrupted by the sound of a can popping open.

Malik:  Hmm… this is pretty good.

Yugi:  …Malik?

Kaiba: Well, he has been sheltered his entire life.

Yugi: Hm… but, Anzu's right.  A-chan, is there some other reason for this?

Me: Don't talk to me now!  According to the manual, it's about time you started making noise and breaking stuff.

Honda: You need a manual for a party?

Me: (sigh) Well okay, I haven't been to so many of these myself.  Do you think I have a social life if I'm writing this?  Now get going!

Crash!  Everyone spins around to find a bookcase smashed on the floor and Ryou standing behind it, looking innocent.

Yugi:  Bakura, is that still…you?

Ryou:  (Nods, then shoves a lamp off of its stand) I'm just doing what the lady asked.

Malik: (on his second can) YeAh!!  Let's make some noise! (Begins singing to the song that's playing, but obviously doesn't know the words and starts making up his own).

Anzu: Don't they say that people who drink have something to forget?

Me:  You got that from Trigun.  I don't see you breaking things!

Jounouchi blinks, then grabs a bowl of chips and dumps it over Honda's head.

Honda: Hey! (Chases Jounouchi across the room)

Me:  See!  That's more like it!  (Numerous crashing sounds ensue as Honda and Jounouchi run into furniture)  _They_ know how to have a good time!

Yugi: Um… A-chan…

Me:  Yeah?  What's up?

Yugi: Whose house is this?

Me: It's no one's!  That's the beauty of fanfiction, Yugi.  I can make stuff up.  So go have fun.

Yugi: Oh, okay! (Runs after Honda and Jounouchi).

Everyone is rowdy for a little while, except Kaiba who just stands there and drinks punch.  Malik has a couple more beers.  I get bored.

Me:  Hmm, what's next in the manual? (Glances at book)  I see!  Slow dance time!

Music switches immediately to a sappy love song.

Me: …which is immediately followed by… (reads a few more sentences) that time when everyone starts making out!  Okay, go!

Jounouchi: …go?

Me: Yeah.  Don't be shy, or I'll start picking couples for you.

Everyone: …?

Me: *sigh.* Alright, I gave you a chance.  Now, let's see… Anzu with Malik, Yugi with Kaiba, Honda with Jounouchi, and Ryou with Bakura.  Now… go.

Everyone: o.0

Ryou: Um, excuse me… I'm one person.

Me: No, you're _two_ people.

Ryou: Yes, but… there's only one body.

Me: Yeah, well… figure something out.

Ryou: …

Jounouchi and Honda: Oi!

Jounouchi: (Grabs me by the collar) Just what do you think you're doing?!

Me: Guys, guys!  This is a _fangirl_ fanfic, remember?  That's just the way it goes.  At least _you_ two aren't mortal enemies.

The three of us look at Kaiba and Yugi, who haven't moved at all and are utterly dumbstruck.

Jounouchi: Arg!  We should've invited more girls!

Anzu: Look, I don't like this idea any more than you do!

Malik: (weaving, slurring his speech) S'not all'at bad… (tries to put his arm around Anzu's waist, but she slaps him away.  He pauses for a moment, trying to figure out what happened.)

Malik: …

Malik: …

Malik: ow!

Yugi: (Glances at Anzu, then shouts at me-) Malik's drunk!  I think he should go home!

Me: (Looks at Malik, waves a hand in front of his face.  He tries to catch it but misses by a good foot.  I shrug).  He's fine.

Before Yugi can respond, Kaiba comes to his senses-

Kaiba: You may control this fanfiction, but you don't control us!  Who's to say we'll go along with your little games?

Me: Hmm… you're right!  But that gives me an idea.  Let's play a game!

*Collective groan*

Honda: Thanks, Kaiba!

Me: Okay! (Rubbing hands together) Here's how it goes.  First couple to make a move gets out of the fic.

Anzu: You mean, you'd let us leave the fanfiction?

Me: That's right, captain obvious!  You won't have to deal with me anymore.

There's a pause while everyone considers this.

Kaiba: …There are some things even worse than you.  (Glares at Yugi)

Me: Oh, but I have _plans_.  (Smiles an oh-so-evil smile) This place is about to get way more interesting for everyone left behind.  Heh heh heh…

Jounouchi:  You're bluffing!  What could you do to us that- mff mrphh!

(Honda clamps his hand over Jounouchi's mouth.)

Honda: Shut up!  You're just asking for it!  She can do anything she wants!

Honda takes his hand away.  An uncomfortable silence follows.

Yugi: Um, to be fair, isn't this a little awkward, with all of us in the same room?

Me: That's a good point.

Everyone else: _Yugi!!_

Zap!  Everyone is seperated into rooms with their "partner."

What terror shall ensue?  Only I can tell!  Ha ha ha ha ha… aheh heh… ahem.  Whatever.

So…

…what do you think?

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	2. Running in Circles

This is What You Get For Writing Fanfiction

_Attack of the Slash-Hatters_

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh; it belongs to Kazuki Takahashi.  May he live forever.

Woah!  I actually have reviewers!  You have made me so happy, you have no idea. ^-^  By the way, Wrath of Rohan (or Lauren, whichever you prefer) I hadn't thought of vampires!  Which is surprising, given that… well, vampires are awesome.  Thanks for the ideas!  By chapter three the set-up of the rest of the fic will become clear, so just you wait…

Artemis and Anya – I'm so glad you agree!  I'm also glad you're not the only one ^-^

TypoNumber5 – yeah, I was definitely in anti-thinking mode last night… only I didn't have a name for it, that's how anti-thinking I was.  And wow, you actually read the intro!

And Boku no Seto, well, thanks for the sisterlyness ^-^

I am so tired.  Maybe I shouldn't have been watching _The Ten Commandments_ on television until almost midnight. -.-;  It's a cool movie though.  Sure, maybe the special effects are a little cheesy, but in ten or fifteen years _Lord of the Rings_ will look cheesy too.  You know this to be true.

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~In Yugi and Kaiba's room~

Yugi and Kaiba are in opposite corners – pretty much as far away from each other as they can get.  Both appear to be deep in thought.

Yugi: Listen, Kaiba – 

Kaiba: Don't start, Yugi!  I want to get out of here as much as anyone, but if you think I'm even coming near you – 

Yugi: -I was going to say, I'm worried about Anzu.

Kaiba: (blink blink…) Let's try to find a way out of here.

              Kaiba walks to the door and tries the knob (it's locked – duh!).  Without hesitating he takes his deck out of his side pocket and proceeds to draw cards from the top and launch them at the door.  One after another they hit the door and bounce off, flopping to the ground.

Yugi: …Kaiba, it doesn't _always_ work to throw them…

              Kaiba draws his Blue Eyes, which splits the door in half on contact.  It crumbles in its frame and is no more than rubble within seconds.  Kaiba gives Yugi a glance that says, _I told you so_ and strides from the room.  Yugi shrugs and follows him.

              When they exit the room they find themselves staring down the halls of a labyrinth.  Kaiba sighs.  "Of course."

Yugi: Anzu!  Jounouchi!  Honda!

Distant voice: ~~~~~*ahhhhhheywait*~~~~~~~

Yugi: I heard something!  This way!

              Yugi and Kaiba run down the hall and turn a corner.  They continue running until they see a door up ahead on the left wall.

Voice: AAAAAAAAH!

Yugi: That sounded like a girl screaming!

              They reach the door and Kaiba kicks it in.  Inside, Malik is sprawled on the floor, blooding at the mouth.  Anzu is standing a few feet away, looking indignant.

Yugi: Anzu?

Kaiba: (sarcastic smile) Looks like you didn't need our help.

Malik struggles to his feet, wobbling slightly and rubbing his cheek.

Malik: (mumbles) I'uz just trying t'_rescue_ you…

Anzu: (rolls eyes) Let's go find the others.

              The four leave the room and return to the labyrinth.  They walk down the hall in silence for a few minutes. ******

Malik: (thinking to himself) _If these three find a way out of here, they're not going to want to take me with them.  I've got to lose them before they turn on me.  God I'm thirsty!_

Malik: …

Malik: Hey!  Lookit that! (Points to ceiling)

              Everyone blinks at him, then looks up (fools).  When they look back down, Malik is running down the hall in the opposite direction (drunk people are so brilliant).  The group stares wide-eyed as he trips and falls on his face.  They look at each other.

              Suddenly a loudspeaker crackles through the halls.

Me: (loudspeaker voice) Attention all godforsaken wanderers! (the group glances about themselves) Yes, you people – who else do you think is in this maze?  I have an announcement to make!

Kaiba: Then get on with it.

Me: Just listen a minute, will ya?!  Anyway, from this point forward, you are not limited to the couples I have placed you in but can get cozy with anyone in order to escape the fanfiction.  That is all.  (Loudspeaker crackles again and is abruptly silent)

              Malik, after pausing to listen to the announcement, mumbles to himself and struggles to his feet.

Yugi: We can't let him leave.  If A-chan finds him she might use him against us.

Anzu: Yugi, he's already against us.

Kaiba strides down the hall toward Malik.  Malik tries to resume his pathetic escape attempt, but Kaiba grabs him by the hood on the back of his shirt and drags him across the floor.

Anzu turns toward Yugi.

Anzu: Yugi, I think I know a way we can get out of here.

Yugi: (blushes) Really?

Anzu: We have to find A-chan.

Yugi: Oh.  (_sigh…_)

Anzu: I think she's somewhere in the maze.  We have to face her head-on!  It always seems to work in video games, anyway.

Yugi: Okay!  But first, let's find Honda and Jounouchi.

Anzu: Right!

Kaiba: Yugi!

              Yugi and Anzu jump – Kaiba is suddenly right behind them.

Yugi: Kaiba, how do you _do_ that?!

Kaiba: Take this.

              WHUMP!  Kaiba tosses Malik at Yugi, who catches Malik awkwardly in his arms.  Malik growls at Yugi and Yugi drops him.

Kaiba: You keep an eye on him.  It's _you_ he's got a grudge against.

Yugi: But Kaiba, he's… bigger than me.

Anzu: Oh, you're both babies.  (Grabs Malik by the collar) C'mon, let's go.

Malik: Hey… leggo… (waves arms futilely, then gives up and crosses them across his chest).  You're gonna pay for this when I'm sober…

              The hallway twists and splits in different directions.  The group hits a few dead ends and has to backtrack.  Eventually they come to a crossroads (well, the labyrinth equivalent anyway.  Cross-halls, I guess).

Anzu: Hm, this is familiar…

Yugi: Have we passed by here before?

Anzu: I was referring to the hackneyed plotline.

Yugi: Oh…

              CRASH!  A loud noise echoes from the right passage.  Dust and debris fly everywhere.  Everyone runs toward it and soon finds a massive hole in the wall.  A figure stands in the opening, obscured by the clouds of dust.

Figure: *cough, cough* (emerges from the shadows)

Everyone else: Bakura?!

Bakura: rrrg… (notices everyone staring at him) Great, just what I need…

Yugi: (glancing at the mess, astonished) Bakura, how did you – 

Bakura: - I have my ways.

Yugi: o.O

Bakura: (looks around) Arg!  A labyrinth?!  I'll never get out of this hellhole!  A-chan, when I find you…

Anzu: (a little nervous) Well guys, let's keep looking.

Yugi: Bakura, why don't you come with us?  We should stick together.

Bakura: Hm?  (Looks them up and down).  Alright then.

              Bakura joins them as they continue walking.

Anzu: (leans over and whispers to Yugi) Yugi, you know that this is the _other_ Bakura, right?

Yugi: (nods) Yeah.  But I think he might be able to help us.  (Grins) Who knows; his violent nature might actually come in handy!

Anzu: Hmm… maybe.  (Glances over her shoulder at Bakura, who is poking Kaiba in the back, then looking away and whistling when Kaiba turns around).

Anzu: We need to get out of here…

              Soon the way splits again and the group takes the left path.  They come upon another door in the wall.

Yugi: Jounouchi!  Honda!  Are you in there?

              There's a sound of running and yelling voices behind the door.  Malik lifts his head (he's still being dragged by Anzu).

Malik: (shakes off Anzu for a moment and steps in front of the door) Ha!  It's prob'ly a trap, and you'll all be-

              BLAM! At that moment, the door crashes forward off of its hinges and smashes Malik.  Behind it are Honda and Jounouchi – they had apparently charged into it.

Jounouchi: Yugi!  Everyone!

Malik: (crawls out from under the door) Oi!

Anzu: Why haven't you passed out yet?!

              Jounouchi steps on Malik's head on his way to Yugi.  Honda follows suit.

Jounouchi: Yugi!  We have to get out of here!  Our room was starting to get…freaky!

Yugi: What do you mean?

Disembodied voice: HA HA HA HA! It has begun! (voice echoes loudly and ominously through the halls)

Everyone: A-chan!

Anzu: Hey, what happened to the loudspeaker-voice?

Me: This one is eerier, don't you think?  Echo… echo… echo…

Bakura: You're pathetic.

Me: DO NOT MOCK ME, MORTALS!  I HAVE AN OMINOUS ECHO!  Now… prepare to face your greatest fears!  The longer you're trapped here, the more interesting it will get!  Ha ha ha ha… (voice fades out).

Yugi: Jounouchi, what exactly happened?

Jounouchi: Ah, er, well…

Honda: This guy with out a head rode through the wall on a horse!  Jounouchi freaked out.

Jounouchi: Hey, so did you!

Honda: Only because you jumped onto my head!

Anzu: Guys!  Shut up!  Jounouchi, everyone knows you're afraid of ghosts.

Jounouchi: What?  That's not true!

Bakura: (sneaks up behind Jounouchi) Oh so?

Jounouchi: Waaaaaaaaah! (Grabs the nearest person, who turns out to be Kaiba.)  Uh! (Let's go; mutual looks of disgust)

Anzu: (_sigh_) The point is, A-chan's going to try to play on our fears to make us desperate to leave.  We have to find her before things get too bad.

Kaiba: How do you know she's even in this maze?

Bakura: Don't you know anything about spoof plotlines?  We'll wander through the labyrinth until we find the "Boss Room" which will be heavily guarded with fire and swinging axes and the like, and then we'll make it in after some final trial that turns us all against each other, and we'll find A-chan inside this little white room and she'll say, "How did you get past my defenses?" although she obviously expected us to, because she'll have some final – 

Yugi: Hey, don't give away the ending!

Bakura: Oh please.  Well, if you people don't know your clichés, I'll just leave you to figure it out for yourselves (begins to walk away).

Malik: Get back here! (Gets up and jumps on Bakura.  He loses his balance and they both fall to the ground).

Malik: If any of us's gonna get outta here we need t'stick together!

Bakura: (Shoves Malik away) What's your problem?!

Malik: You're the only one who knows what you're doing. (Whispers) Besides, you're the only one here who doesn't hate me!

Bakura: That'll change, if you attack me again.  (Gets up and brushes himself off).  Alright, fine.  I can see that you need my amazing plot detection skills.  Besides, in a fix there's always the alternative.

Yugi: The…

Bakura: I heard the announcement too.  A-chan told us a way to get out.

Jounouchi: You're not seriously thinking of -

RRRRRRRRMMMMBLE!

              The hallway shakes and stones start falling from the ceiling (convenient timing, neh?)  Suddenly the floor crumbles inward and everyone falls into the void…

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This morning when I woke up for school I thought to myself, "Oh Ra, it's still dark outside!"

That's when you know you've been reading too much fanfiction!


	3. He's rolling in his grave

This is What You Get For Writing Fanfiction

_Attack of the Slash-Hatters_

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, or any great works of literature.  Well, yeah.

Some fool in my math class thought that my ankh earrings were crosses.  Boy did I let him have it!

I'm pretty sure the whole class heard me. ^-^;

Okay, this chapter is sort of… short.  But I have a not-so-short (and hopefully not-so-lame!) chapter pending, and I should update in a day or so.  This is basically a transition chapter.  Also, I updated my profile as it was pitifully short – but I got sort of carried away.  Oh well. :) (ßancient emoticon…?)

Ten points and a bag of chips to anyone who knows what's going on before Bakura does. ^-^

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After falling through the floor, the group finds themselves standing in a wide cavern lit by an eerie red glow.  Before them is a high, imposing gate with an inscription on it:

I AM THE WAY TO THE STORY OF WOE/ I AM THE WAY TO A FORSAKEN PLOTLINE/ I AM THE RESULT OF ETERNAL BOREDOM

UNHOLY WRATH MOVED MY ARCHITECT/ I WAS WRITTEN IN MORTAL IGNORANCE/ TWISTED LOVE AND IRREVERENT FOOLISHNESS

ONLY THOSE FANFICITONS TIME CANNOT BURY/ WERE MADE BEFORE ME, AND MOCKING I STAND/ ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE

Honda: …what the hell?

Bakura: Heh heh… exactly.

Jounouchi: What?  Do you know what's going on?

Bakura: Don't you know your 14th century Italian literature?

Jounouchi: …does anyone?!                    

Bakura: (rolls eyes) It's Dante's _Inferno_ – we're standing at the gates of Hell!

Jounouchi: You just know everything, don't you Bakura?

Bakura: Yes, I do.  But that isn't the point.  The inscription on the gate is somewhat _modified_ from the original, so I'm going to guess that, more specifically, we're in – 

Kaiba: - Fanfiction Hell?

Bakura: (grins) Yes, that.

Anzu: Do we really have to go in?

              Everyone gazes at the barren landscape around them.

Bakura: (cheerfully) I don't see anywhere else to go.

              The group starts reluctantly toward the gates.  They swing open and everyone finds themselves in a wide, open area.  The floor is solid rock and their footsteps echo loudly.

Bakura: …

Yugi: What is it, Bakura?

Bakura: Something's missing.  Oh, that's right – in the original poem, Dante had a guide.  We should have a guide.

Voice: Hey guys!

              Otogi suddenly appears.

Honda: You!  What are you doing here?!

Otogi: (twisting his hair with his fingers) I dunno.  Some girl sent me to, like, guide you.

Bakura: Hmm… I was expecting someone a little…

Otogi: Yeah?

Bakura: … better.

Otogi: Hey!  I'm perfectly qualified.

Bakura: That so?  Okay, where are we?

Otogi: (crosses his arms) Hell if I know.

Kaiba: Well, that _is_ the problem, isn't it?

Anzu: Hey Bakura!

Bakura: eh?

Anzu: Since you seem to know about where we are, why don't you act as our guide?

Otogi: No way!  I was picked for this job, so I'm going to do it!  (Starts walking forward, away from the front gate.  The rest follow).  On our left we have some smoke and a clump of rocks - quite artfully arranged, actually - on our right we find a lovely… well okay, nothing's there… notice the cheerful red glow on the walls!  Now we're coming up on…

Yugi: Another gate?

Bakura: Oh yes – there are nine circles of Hell inside the first gate.  In this case, I suppose they'll represent nine different fanfiction types.

              Everyone is silent for a moment.

Honda: Well, I guess there's nothing left but to go in…

              They look up.  On the gate is written-

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Hmm, that was rather an evil place to stop. ^-^ Heh heh…

I won't post the next chapter until I get at least 10 reviews!

HA!  Just kidding.  I'd never get anywhere if I did that!  If I get 10 reviews total for this fic, I'll be a happy camper.

To anyone reading this, I hope you're enjoying it.  The horror is only just beginning….

…or some cheesy thing such as that. -.-;


	4. BASH

This is What You Get for Writing Fanfiction

_Attack of the slash-hatters_

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh or Popsicles, which Microsoft Word felt the need to make me capitalize.  I don't think I even have any Popsicles in the house right now. ;_;

And if I owned Microsoft Word, I wouldn't be writing this right now.  I would instead be engaged in some grotesque waste of money, like paying someone $600,000 to marry a cardboard cutout. [1]

*tears of happiness* People are actually _following_ this…

To the Reviewers:

HA HA HA, yes, I am Evil.  Ra protect me from writers' block, lest I face the Wrath of Rohan's sennen rod!  By the way, you are my hero.

And how does Bakura know about 14th century Italian literature?  Well Kasumi, if _you_ were stuck in a ring for a few thousand years, what would _you_ do?  Play Tetris?

Thank yous and Cadbury eggs to all that actually bothered to check back and review (Artemis and Anya, Wrath of Rohan, ShiroiYami)… and to anyone else who actually clicked on my story! (TypoNumber5, yugioh forever, Watcher of Darkness, Kasumi and cazcaz).  Yay! (I would give you marshmallow peeps, but some people think those are kinda nasty.  I will not force-feed you peeps.)

Feel free to make any criticisms or suggestions, especially annoyingly specific ones.

Here we go:

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On the first gate of the first circle of Fanfiction Hell is inscribed the word…

…"BASH."

Anzu: …Bash?

Otogi: Well, that sounds ominous.

Anzu: You don't know what it means?

Otogi: What do I look like, some kind of Wiseman?

Kaiba: We would never mistake you for one of _those_.

Jounouchi: Some guide you are!

Bakura: We've already established his ineptitude.  (Moves toward gate and takes the handle)

Honda: What are you doing?

Bakura: (Looks over his shoulder and smiles, eyes glinting) There's only one way to know what's on the other side.

Yugi: Wait!  Bakura -!

Too late!  Bakura pulls open the gate.  There's a blinding flash of light-

              -and they find themselves in a zoo.  In fact, there's a large sign arcing over their heads that reads: Zoo.

Otogi: Hmm… we appear to be in a zoo.

Malik: Ah, jus' give up already!

Jounouchi: Oh, Malik - I almost forgot you were here.

Malik: You wish.

Anzu: Somebody else drag him - I'm getting tired.

Malik: Then just let go of me! (his shirt twists in Anzu's hands as he struggles to get away)

Outraged voices: Let go of Malik-sama!!!

Whole group: eh?

              Two infuriated-looking girls charge at the group and steal Malik away from Anzu before anyone has time to blink.

  Three more appear and carry off Bakura.

Bakura: Oi!  What do you think you're doing?!

Bakura Kidnapper #1: (turns to Bakura and smiles while closing eyes in ultra-shojo fashion) ^.^ Hee hee!  We're rescuing you!

Bakura: Rescuing me from what?!

Bakura Kidnapper #2: (blushes) Well, we're really kidnapping you…

Bakura Kidnapper #3: But we're also rescuing you in advance!

Bakura: What are you… (the girls giggle) Ah, I can't deal with this!  (The Millennium Ring flashes and Bakura switches with his Hikari).

Ryou: (blinks.  Notices his captors and blushes) Um, hello… if I've said anything rude to you just now, I really didn't mean it, so if you'll let me go…

Bakura Kidnapper#1: Sorry honey!  It's for your own good!

Malik: (sticks his tongue out at Anzu as he is carried away) Ha!  I'm gettin' outta here!

Yugi: What exactly does he mean?

Jounouchi: (looks ill –thinking to himself) _Malik must be pretty drunk if he thinks those girls are cute…_ (to the group) I think I'd rather face whatever those two were "rescued" from than stick around here.  Hey!  Llamas!

              Jounouchi dashes to the llama pen, but gets a little too excited and soon his head is stuck between the bars of the fence.  One of the llamas, irritated at the disturbance, begins to gnaw on Jounouchi's head.

Jounouchi: AAAAAAHH!  Llama spit!

Yugi: Jounouchi!

              Yugi hurries to help Jounouchi.  Unfortunately, on his way he is run over by an ice cream cart.

Ice Cream Man: (cart goes BUMP) Hm?  Oh, hey there, didn't see ya.  Gee, that looks serious… well, sorry kid.  Want an ice cream bar?

Yugi: (clamps a hand over his side to still the bleeding) Yeah, okay… (takes ice cream bar and munches it half-heartedly)

Ice Cream Man: That'll be $4.95.

Yugi: What!  You ran over me and you want me to pay five bucks for an _ice cream bar_!

Bakura Kidnapper #1: It's alright man, we'll pay for it.

Malik Kidnapper #1: In fact, we'd like some ice cream over here!

              The kidnapper girls are sitting down on some nice benches in the shade with their captives.  They buy Malik and Bakura Popsicles.

Malik: (Happily eating Popsicle) So, what exactly is going on here?

Malik Kidnapper #2: You mean you haven't guessed yet?  This is a bashing fanfiction!

Malik: Ah.  That explains the gate.

Ryou: So, why aren't we getting "bashed?"

Bakura Kidnapper #2: Silly!  You've got too many rabid fangirls for that.

Bakura Kidnapper #3: That's us!

Ryou: Hm. (Sucks on Popsicle)

              Meanwhile, the rest of the group is in a panic, trying to get Jounouchi unstuck and Yugi un-bleeding.  All except for Kaiba of course, who just stands there and appears to be somewhat amused.  But we all know he'll get his.

Zookeeper: Ahh!  Look out everyone!

Otogi: What is it?

Zookeeper: The hippos have escaped!  They're on the loose!

Otogi: Hippos?  What's so bad about hippos?  They're kinda cute!

Anzu: Otogi, have you ever seen a hippo in real life?

Otogi: (mumbles) Um, sort of… well… I used to have a stuffed one…

Anzu: Well, stuffed bears are cute too.  Real hippos-

              But before Anzu can finish her sentence, the real hippos demonstrate their fearsome power by eating Honda.  Whole.

Honda: AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmm…….!!!

Anzu: Honda! (beats the side of the hippo with her fists) Give Honda back!

              In response the hippo charges at Anzu, who is thrown backward into a souvenir stand.  Yugi runs to her aid but wobbles and passes out from blood loss before reaching her.  Anzu attempts to untangle herself from the mass of Velcro-armed door-hanger lemurs.  Several are caught in her hair.

Anzu: Otogi!  Run!  The hippos!

              Otogi spins around to find that one of the hippos is right behind him.  He screams and sprints for the nearest cover, which happens to be a fondue cart.  He launches headlong into the cart and is a human fondue within seconds.  The cart pusher and several people waiting in line are also streaked with cheese.

Otogi: Ah!!  Hot!  It burns! (Does a burning-man cheese dance)

              Malik laughs.  The kidnapper girls giggle and buy more ice cream.

Ryou: (Somewhat distressed) Um, I think there's _blood_ in my ice cream…

Ice Cream Man: Whoa, sorry about that.  Must have been from that kid I bumped into.  I'll get you another one.

Bakura: (*FLASH*) Actually, there's no need, thank you.  (Devours bloody ice cream ravenously)

Bakura kidnapper #1: (sigh) The psycho one is so sexy…

              Meanwhile, Kaiba still seems vaguely amused.  Malik grows irritated with Kaiba's complacency and throws the remainder of his Popsicle at him.  Sensing sugar, a swarm of army ants assaults Kaiba.  He runs in a blind panic and dives into a stream full of piranhas, which devour most of his flesh, but don't quite kill him in time for him to be spared the fury of several wrathful, genetically enhanced coffee makers.

              Anzu finally struggles out of the lemur pile.  She glances helplessly at the various plights of her friends; the lemurs stuck in her hair swish dramatically around her head.  She rushes over to where Malik, Bakura, and the girls are sitting down, quietly enjoying their sugar.

Anzu: Bakura! (grabs Bakura by the collar)  You have to help us!  What's wrong with you!  Your friends are in danger and you're eating ice cream!  Friends are always there for each other – 

              BANG.  Bakura shoots Anzu in the head.

Bakura: I'm bored.

              EXPLODING HIPPO SOUND.  The hippo that ate Honda spontaneously explodes.  Hippo shrapnel takes out many of the surrounding tourists (any that were left, anyway) and the Ice Cream Man loses an eye.  Honda flies into Otogi and sticks to him with hippo guts and still-warm cheese.  Anzu gets back to her feet, a little confused.

Bakura: What?!  You're dead!

Anzu: Hey, I guess you can't really die in Hell.

Malik: Ha!  She's got you there!

              Bakura takes an ice cream from one of the fangirls and chucks it at Malik.

Malik: (Ice cream dripping down his face) I'm tired of this place.

Malik Kidnapper #2: Oh!  Do you want to leave?

Malik: Yes… do you know the way out?

Malik Kidnapper #1: Yeah, we know the way out.  (Winks suspiciously at MK#2)  We can take you there… (Scoots closer to Malik)

Malik: (a little nervous) Ah, um, so you heard the announcement too…

              Malik is somewhat unenthused, as the drunkenness is slowly wearing off and his captors are not so attractive.  Bakura seems to share the sentiment.  He tries to shove his fangirls away in vain.  Finally, in a desperate escape attempt Bakura takes the last remaining ice cream, mushes it into one of the girl's faces, and runs away.  Malik shoots after him while the girls are still in shock.  While running Bakura falls into a hole directly under the explosion site of the former hippo, and Malik trips in only steps behind.

              Yugi revives and helps Anzu get Jounouchi out of the fence and unstick Honda and Otogi.  The five of them gather up Kaiba's remains and piece him back together.

Anzu: I think that Bakura and Malik found the exit.

Honda: You mean, the hippo hole…?

Yugi: It's worth a shot.  Let's go!

              The remaining party jumps down the "hippo hole," and after landing they find themselves standing in front of another gate…

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[1] I must admit that this was actually my friend Ron's idea.  In fact, his exact words were, "If I were Bill Gates…"

I don't even know what to say about this… except that hippos really are pretty violent.  So just imagine what hell-hippos must be like!

In explanation: Of course, character bashing is a common spectacle on ff.net.  But why not Bakura or Malik?  Well, while I haven't seen any specific Yugi or Jounouchi bashing (though they might be out there), Bakura and Malik seem to be a special case.  Bakura because, well, he's abused in his own special way (this will come up later ^-^), and Malik because – and this is truly baffling – despite the fact that he's a villain, I have yet to witness anything even close to insulting him.  And it's not just that fans have a villain thing, because I have witnessed bashing of even the almighty Sephiroth form FFVII, and that's just wrong.  I mean, (and this may be a dangerous thing to say _here_, but) Malik is nowhere as cool as Sephy.  Not a chance.


	5. SUGAR

This is What You Get for Writing Fanfiction

Attack of the slash-hatters 

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh or, sadly, any bubble minions.

YAAAAH!  Okay, this chapter is what happens when you mix a fangirl, lots of peeps, ice cream, pixie sticks and the like, a severe lack of sleep, and boredom all in a big, shiny bowl and then give her a computer.  It's deceptively short, sadly, because I ultra-spaced it for effect.  But as usual I have another chapter in the oven, and boy does it smell good!

Alright, that's enough food references.  You'd think I fell asleep watching Iron Chef or something.  -.-; Which I also don't own…

An EXTREME thank you to everyone who reviewed!  *Sigh*… I've been informed that there is indeed bashing of (almost) everybody.  Well, the ones that come up the most anyway seem to be Kaiba, Anzu, and Pegasus (who hasn't appeared yet, but will eventually *evil grin*) but there's actually another reason why I saved Bakura and Malik.  And that's because the later circles are really going to be a lot worse for them…

AAAK- *dodges various items chucked at her by Bakura fans* chill out!  I'm happy there are Bakura fans reading this, 'cause I love him and Ryou too. ^.^  However, it seems that a great deal of fangirls who *love* them also… well… that's for another circle. ^.~

I've got some more notes for reviewers, but I'll put them at the end.

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After falling through the hole and untangling from each other, the group discovers that they have only fallen deeper into the inferno, because they now stand before a second gate that reads:

SUGAR.

Jounouchi: Hey!  What's bad about sugar?

Yugi: I have to say, that doesn't sound quite as foreboding as the last one.

Jounouchi: That reminds me – Yugi, are you okay?

Yugi: Actually, I'm fine – I seem to have completely healed. [1]

Otogi: Yeah, me too.  The cheese is all gone.  What about you, Honda?

Honda: (*shiver…*shiver…*twitch…*) Hippo…

Otogi: He'll be OK.

Bakura: _I'm_ not okay!  I'm sick of you people!

Malik: You're no picnic yourself.

Bakura: Well then, you can just deal with the next – does that say "sugar?"

Yugi: Well ye-

Bakura: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!

Yugi: What is it, Bakura?

Jounouchi: Ah, well if it's bad for him this time it might be good for us…

Bakura: Nooooooooooooooo!

              Bakura lunges at Jounouchi, but it's too late![2]  Jounouchi pulls open the gate and all are sucked inside.

***

OKAY so they end up in Kaiba corp. (Oh my God, like they would be there by choice heh heh) and so then they're all really bored

Yugi: hey let's go bug Kaiba!

Jounouchi: yeah let's go!

And so they go to Kaiba's office and they ring the bell lots of times and they keep ringing it and Kaiba answers the door and they're ALL standing there just staring at him and they all yell at once "HI KAIBA CAN WE COME IN!" but before he answers they all go in anyway and start playing with stuff

Bakura: hey what's this do?

Kaiba: don't touch that

Bakura: oooh it's shiny (picks up staple remover) oh and sharp too (runs around with staple remover) Ha ha!  Fear my unstapling wrath!!!

Ping.  Honda shoots staples at the back of Kaiba's head.  Ping.  Ping.  PingPingPingPingPingPing-

Kaiba: AHHH I'LL KILL YOU!! (chases after Honda trying to strangle him)

Malik: Ha ha! (trips Kaiba and sits on him) Now give me control of your company!

Kaiba: NEVER!

Anzu: (begins wrapping Kaiba in scotch tape) Hee hee!

Otogi: (makes a paper hat and jumps on desk) Avast matees!  Har har har

Kaiba: hey those are important documents!

Jounouchi: wait I wanna be captain (shoves Otogi off desk)

Yami: (steals hat and jumps on desk) HA HA HA HA!  Bow before me slaves!

Kaiba: AAH it's the other Yugi

Yami: Jounouchi you man the staple gun!  Bakura monitor the computers

Bakura: OKAY! (tears out wires from computer console – whole room goes black)

Bakura: oops

Malik: (finds the door in the dark and pulls on it) we're locked in!!

Silence for two seconds then everyone starts screaming and running around

Bakura: AAAAH we're trapped we're gonna die

Honda: hey that was my foot!

Jounouchi: hey that was my head ACK my hair

Anzu: EEEK someone pinched me!

Malik: heh heh

Kaiba: now's my chance (crawls around looking for secret escape route)

Yami: EW I stepped on something squishy

Kaiba: arg!

Yami: Yaaa!  Kaiba let's wrestle

Kaiba: what?!

Yami: (tackles Kaiba) Gotcha!

Kaiba: HELP ME!!

Bakura: (bumps into Otogi) Waaaaaaah! (throws Otogi backward)

Otogi hits the computer console and electricity goes everywhere

Malik: hey the lights are back on

Jounouchi: WHAT are you guys doing over there?!!!

Yami has pinned Kaiba to the ground

Yami: I win!

Kaiba: noooooooo get away from me

Anzu: Bakura you look soooooo pretty

Bakura: what (gets out mirror) YAAAARG MAKEUP!!!!!!!  DIEEEEEEE

Honda throws eggbeaters and tuna sandwiches at Bakura Otogi blows bubbles

Bakura: Ooooooh shiny pretty fairies

Bakura follows the bubbles all over the room

Bakura: I am the bubble queen HA HAHA HA

Someone knocks on the door "hello who's in there?"

Malik: (runs and pounds on door) ahhh help us let us out!!!!!!!1

The door opens and Malik falls through on the other side is Mai looking confused

Mai: what are you guys all doing in here?

Yami: we're having a party!!!

Kaiba: no we're not (shoves Yami off him)

Bakura: I shall rule the world with my bubbly minions!!!!!

Otogi: YAY let's get out of here

Jounouchi: Mai how did you open the door it was locked

Mai: no it wasn't

Everyone glares at Malik

Malik: I pulled it really hard though

Anzu: it says PUSH

Malik: It was DARK!!!

Honda: anyway let's go!!

They all cram into the door at the same time and knock over Mai but they can't fit so they all get stuck in the door.  Mai pulls on them and they get unstuck they fall out but outside the door is a void and they fall and fall and fall…

***

OW!  The group (now with Mai!) lands on a cold granite floor.  They're in a small, dim, rock room with only one visible exit – a gate, of course.  This gate reads:

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[1] – because I can!

[2] – just like always!

Yo!  My readers:

TypoNumber5: I must confess, I don't know about the Doom Organization people either, because my luck has been such that I haven't found those episodes in Japanese yet.  But I will!

Both Baku's Fan-Girl: Wow, somebody's yami likes me – that must be a good sign. ^.^

Manga_nut: I think we must have the same subtitled version, 'cause mine says "wooden horse" also.  My sister and I have had a couple good laughs over those translations… ^.^ I haven't read that far in the manga because… I can't read Japanese T_T although I can understand _some_ (spoken) and speak less.  I've read up to the fourth one in English (that's all they've released so far in America) and Bakura hasn't appeared yet (TRANSLATE FASTER EVIL PUBLISHERS!).  Thanks for the neatful reviews!

Lady LeBeau: I don't know if I'm going to need a Jounouchi fangirl (I've got most of this planned out) but if I do, I'll surely call you!  I'm glad there's a Jounouchi fan reading this – he's so lovable but some people don't seem to like him…*sniff*

Maruken: I think Malik's hangover will hit him suddenly a few chapters from now, just for the hell of it. ^.^  But thanks for reminding me.

As for the anonymous ones and Artemis and Anya – thanks again!  See you next chapter. ^.~


	6. SLASH

This is What You Get for Writing Fanfiction

_Attack of the slash-hatters_

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, _Inferno_, or churros.  Although I'm not sure that those are copyrighted, seeing as the almighty MS Word doesn't feel that "churros" is worthy of capitalization (it doesn't even think it's a word – gasp!).  Everyone knows what churros are, right?

Even though it was a rhetorical question (Kasumi's review), I feel the need to explain the sudden change in writing style in case others were confused ('cause usually I'm a freak about proofreading and the like – except in chapter 2 when I made a couple mistakes -.-;).  In each different circle the characters will act differently according to what type of fanfiction it is.  But even beyond that, the writing style and point of view will change sometimes.  The last chapter was horribly un-grammatical because usually "sugarhigh" fics are all over the place. ^.^  In the future, if my writing suddenly gets a little too cheesy/flowery, it's supposed to be that way.  Or that's my excuse, anyway. ^.~

WOOT.  I just read the second volume of the Hellsing manga.  Alucard is freakishly awesome.  BWAHAHAHA… it's just great.  Kouta Hirano is a crazy man, but I love him (somewhere far away in Japan, a manga artist sneezes).

Begin!

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The next gate reads:

SLASH.

Kaiba: I don't want to _try_ to fathom this one.

(Ironically, most people reading this probably know exactly what's coming ^-^).

Honda: As usual, there's nowhere to go but forward…

Mai: Wait a minute!  Can someone tell me what's going on here?

Jounouchi: Er, well, this crazy lady trapped us in her twisted story, and we can't get out unless… um… (blushes)

Mai: (Hands on hips) Unless what?

Jounouchi: Someone else explain; she won't believe _me_.

Bakura: (Crosses arms and sighs) Basically, we're taking a lovely journey through nine dimensions of over-used fanfictions trying to find the author and defeat her so we don't have to kiss anyone, which was the way she offered us to get out.

Mai: Wait… what?

Honda: This whole mess started when we were at a party…

Mai: okay, and…?

Honda: …and A-chan said – 

Mai: - A-chan?

Honda: The author's generic penname.  Anyway, she said "first couple to start making out can leave the fanfiction."

Mai: Why?!

Honda: I don't know, probably to get her audience of fangirls to read this piece of crap.  After we all refused, she dropped us into this place.  "Furnace" or something.

Bakura: It's _Inferno_.  We're in hell.

Yugi (has changed back): How did you get here, Mai?

Mai: I was looking for you guys and suddenly I was at Kaiba Corp.

Kaiba: She must have written you in.

Mai: Can she do that?  Just pluck people off the street and trap them here?

Anzu: Apparently so.

Mai: I didn't realize writers had such power.

Bakura: It's just imaginary power.  The only real power they have is when people actually _read_ their junk, and even then it's the audience who has power over them.

Otogi: Yeah, that's very deep and all, but it doesn't change the fact that we're the victims of some teenager's flight of fancy, and while we're standing here talking we could be moving on.

Anzu: I guess he's right.  (Takes the handle of the gate and swings it open…)

They arrive at the entrance to a carnival.  Although the grounds are empty and it's obviously late at night, the whole place is lit brilliantly with colored light bulbs and neon signs.  All of the rides are running and there are people selling ice cream and churros from carts.

Anzu: Ooh, how pretty!

Jounouchi: Hey, look you guys!

Jounouchi points to a silhouette waving the distance.  Shizuka comes running toward the group.

Shizuka: Isn't this great?  We have the park all to ourselves!

Yugi: Wow, really?

(FLASH) Ryou: But, why?

Shizuka: Who cares why? Let's go have some fun!

              She takes Ryou by the arm and leads him away cheerfully.  Ryou blushes and follows, forgetting his suspicions for the moment.  Kaiba stares at them as they go.  He begins to follow them into the park.

Yugi: Kaiba!  Aren't you a little suspicious?

              Kaiba pauses and looks over his shoulder at Yugi.

Kaiba: Don't worry so much.  The girl has a point.

              He turns back around and continues walking.

Anzu: Is it just me, or does Kaiba seem a little out of character…? [1]

Jounouchi: … Shizuka! Wait for me!

Yugi: We might as well all go.

              The remaining group enters the carnival.  It's a truly, impossibly huge carnival – in fact, the grounds seem to stretch on forever into the distance.  The group quickly forgets which way leads back to the entrance.  Somehow, though, they find that they aren't too worried about getting out.  Instead, something about this carnival makes everyone feel a little… lonesome.  The wanderers glance sideways at each other every now and then with new eyes.

Anzu: So… what should we do first?

Shizuka: Ooh, look at that!

              She points to a giant octopus labeled "Octowhirl" with cars hanging from its many tentacles.  It's obviously the kind of ride that spins around making the cars fly out and the passengers ill.  Shizuka turns toward Ryou and smiles invitingly.

Shizuka: Let's go on that one! (She nudges him gently)

              Ryou's face lights up for a moment, but suddenly turns forlorn at the sight of the motion-sickness-inducing Octopus.  

Ryou: Um… (looks at the ground) I think that one would make me sick…

              Spying an opportunity, Kaiba extends his hand toward Shizuka.

Kaiba: I'll take you on it.

              Shizuka looks into Kaiba's eyes uncertainly.  Finding nothing sinister about him (A/N: somehow…?), she smiles.

Shizuka: All right.  Sorry, Ryou.

              Ryou glances up at Kaiba, who smirks at him.  Kaiba takes Shizuka by the arm and leads her toward the ride.

Ryou: Wait!

              Shizuka and Kaiba pause and turn around.  Kaiba narrows his eyes.

Ryou: Um, actually, I'll go too.

Shizuka: (smiles) Great!  I think the three of us can fit in one car.

Honda: Hey, I want to ride that one also.

Otogi: Me too!

              The two glare at each other as they approach the octopus.  However, when all five reach the man admitting people to the ride, he lets Ryou, Shizuka and Kaiba through but stops Honda and Otogi.

Honda: What's the big idea?

Octowhirl Man: I'm sorry, young men.  You can't ride this one.

Otogi: Why not?

              The man gestures to a sign posted at the entrance of the ride.  It reads: YOU MUST BE AT LEAST THIS COOL TO RIDE.  On the sign is a line labeled "fan rating" accompanied by little stickers representing each of the characters.  Honda and Otogi's stickers are near the bottom of the signpost – far below the coolness line.

Honda: Hey!  That isn't fair!

Otogi: Yeah, we're way cooler than that! (Flips his hair)

Octowhirl Man: I don't know what to tell you.  Rules are rules.

Otogi: That rotten A-chan…

Honda: I guess we'll have to do something else.

              Meanwhile, the rest of the group has journeyed further into the carnival.

Anzu: Ooh, a haunted house!

Yugi: Let's go, Anzu!  (Yugi smiles mischievously at Jounouchi, knowing he won't want to come) You guys want to join us?

Jounouchi: Um, sounds great, but I, uh, WOW CHURROS!

              Jounouchi frantically makes a break for the churro stand.  Mai giggles.

Mai: I'd better keep an eye on him.  (She follows Jounouchi).

Malik: I'll go with you, Anzu.

              Anzu blushes.  Yugi notices and frowns.

Yugi: C'mon, Anzu – we don't need him following us.

Anzu: Um, okay…

              He takes Anzu's arm and leads her into the haunted house.  Anzu glances behind at Malik, who follows.  The first room splits into several hallways.

Yugi: (thinking to himself) _Good, a maze.  Maybe we can lose Malik in here_.

              However, when Yugi turns around Anzu and Malik are gone.  He glances about wildly.

Yugi: _Where'd they go?_ Anzu!

EEEEK! A scream issues from around the bend.  Yugi darts down the hall, but before he finds anyone the scream turns to laughter.  Suddenly, a giant distorted clown head pops out of the wall at Yugi.

Yugi: Waaaah!

              As he sprints in the other direction a strobe light goes off and smoke clouds the air.  He turns down hallway after hallway until he's completely lost.  Alone and frightened, Yugi is forced to fend off disgruntled college students dressed up as monsters for their summer job.  Eventually he ends up in a maze of mirrors.  On the opposite wall he sees the reflection of Anzu and Malik walking together.

Yugi: Anzu!

              Yugi dashes toward the image, but it disappears as soon as he reaches it.  A few minutes later he hears voices from outside the maze.

Anzu: Yugi!  Where are you?  We already got out!

Yugi: Wait for me!

              Yugi finds the exit and stumbles out, somewhat disheartened.  Anzu and Malik are standing a little too close to each other for Yugi's comfort.  Malik has his arm around Anzu's waist.

Anzu: What took you so long?

Yugi: I guess I just got lost…

              Meanwhile, Ryou, Shizuka and Kaiba board the Octowhirl.  Shizuka sits on the inner edge, Kaiba in the middle, and Ryou on the end.  The ride begins to move.

Shizuka: Here we go!

              The Octowhirl picks up speed.  All three slide toward the outer edge of the car.  Shizuka slides practically into Kaiba's lap.  Ryou clutches desperately at the handle bar to keep from being crushed.  His face is paler than usual and tinted slightly green.

Shizuka: Whee!  Ha ha! (Looks over at Ryou – her face changes to a worried expression) Bakura, are you okay?

              Ryou nods but keeps his mouth closed for fear of spewing.

****************************************************************

              On the other end of the park, Yugi, Anzu and Malik continue to wander.  Yugi begins to feel a little awkward and more than a little jealous at Malik's obvious flirting.  Since when was Malik _sweet_ to anyone associated with Yugi?

Anzu: Hey you guys, I have to use the restroom.  I'll be right back.

Yugi: Okay!  We'll meet you back here.

              As soon as Anzu leaves, Yugi spots an ice cream stand.  He turns toward Malik only to find that he has once again disappeared.

Yugi: _Now's my chance!_

              Anzu gets out of the restroom, but can't find Yugi or Malik.

Yugi: Hey Anzu!

Startled, Anzu turns around.

Yugi: Here!  I got you chocolate, your favorite! (He hands Anzu an ice cream cone).

Anzu: Oh…

Malik: (suddenly appears from behind) Anzu! (Hands her a cup of ice cream).  Vanilla is your favorite, isn't it?

Anzu: Yeah!  Aw, thanks Malik…

Yugi: Anzu?

Anzu: Hm?

Yugi: Why didn't you tell me your favorite ice cream was vanilla?

Anzu: I did, Yugi.  You just never listened.

              Anzu walks away with Malik.  Yugi watches them go, staring forlornly.

Yugi: Anzu…

              Meanwhile…

Shizuka is bent concernedly over an ailing Ryou.  Kaiba stands a few feet away with his arms crossed.

Shizuka: I'm sorry, Bakura.  I didn't know the ride would make you that sick…

Ryou: I'm okay, really…

              Ryou wobbles and passes out.

Shizuka: Bakura… (turns around and glares at Kaiba) And you!  You didn't have to shove him like that!

Kaiba: His "sick" got all over my trenchcoat!

Shizuka: (with tears in her eyes) He couldn't help it!

              Kaiba's expression softens at seeing her cry.  He walks toward her and gently lifts her chin with his hand until their gazes meet.  Shizuka embraces him, still crying.  Suddenly she pulls away.

Shizuka: Ew, it _is_ all over your coat… 

Elsewhere, Honda and Otogi have finally found something to do and are boarding the swinging pirate ship for the eleventh time.

              Yugi sits down in the shade of Super Log Saw and rests his chin in his hands.  He isn't in the mood to go on rides anymore.  Just when he feels like leaving, a voice calls to him from deep inside.

Yami: Aibou…

Yugi: (Half-smiles) Yo, mou hitori no boku. (A/N: "Hi, 'another me'")

Yami: Aibou, you've always helped me not to give up.  You aren't giving up now, are you?

Yugi: (blushes) What are you talking about?

Yami: (knowing smile) I'll help you out.  Let me take your place for a while.

Yugi: What are you going to do?

              Yami doesn't respond, but only grins in a suspicious manner.

Yugi: Well, okay…

              A cascade of water splashes down from the log flume overhead.  It obscures Yugi for a moment, and when it passes Yami emerges, completely soaked.

              Meanwhile…

Anzu and Malik walk in comfortable silence for a little.  As they walk Anzu notices that they've wandered toward the carnival games.  _Yugi loves games like that_, she thinks to herself.  After all, it had been his idea to make carnival games at the school festival.  That seemed so long ago!

Malik: Anzu?  What is it?  You're staring into space.

Anzu: (distracted) Hm? Oh – (comes out of her trance and faces Malik) Let's go play a game!

Malik: Okay!  Which one?

Anzu: How about the ring toss?  You can win those really cute aardvarks!

              The aardvarks are indeed cute.

              They approach the ring toss and Malik buys three throws.  He seems a little uneasy about the distance from the counter to the ring-catching posts.

Malik: (To Ring Toss Man) Are those supposed to be that far away?

Ring Toss Man: It's only four feet, kid.

Malik: Ah, yes, right.  (Stares with intense concentration at ring post)

              _Think of the aardvarks_, Malik tells himself.  He glances at Anzu, who smiles hopefully at him.  _Aardvarks…_

              The first ring falls short a foot and a half.  The second ring mysteriously goes flying backwards.  The third ring hits Ring Toss Man in the eye.

              Anzu comforts Malik as they flee from the angry Ring Man.

Anzu: It's alright, we'll find another game.  Ooh, look at the fluffy octopus at the basketball hoops…

              Malik not only misses the hoop, but also bounces the ball off the rim and nails himself in the face – five times.  He loses several of the beanbags at the beanbag toss (later he finds one in his hair), and somehow manages to shoot himself at the shooting range.

Anzu: Gee Malik, you kinda suck at these.

              Malik says nothing and clenches his fists.  He looks around for some game – any game – that he might be able to win.

Malik: Aha!

Anzu: What?

              Malik points across the pathway to the dunking booth and grins malevolently.  _I'm sure I can do that,_ he thinks to himself.  At least he could take out his frustration on whatever poor sap was misfortunate enough to have been stuck there while he was angry.

Anzu: Honda!  Otogi?!

              Honda waves sadly from inside the dunking booth.  Otogi just pouts.

Anzu: What are you guys doing in there?!

Honda: We got bored of the Pirate Ship, but it was the only ride we were "cool" enough for.  Some park official caught us trying to sneak onto the roller coaster.  Instead of throwing us out, he put us in here.

Anzu: Hey Malik, why don't we pick another game and leave these guys alo-

Malik: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!! DIE, FOOLS!  HA HA HA!!!!

              Malik launches the dunking ball full-force at the bull's-eye.  Unfortunately for Malik, his aim doesn't improve with his anger.  The ball arcs high in the air and comes down several hundred yards away.  At the same time, something hits Malik in the back of his head.

Malik: Ow!  What the – 

Voice: Hm-hm [2]…

              Malik spins around to face his attacker – Yami!

Malik: _You__!_

Yami: You might want to quit while you're ahead.  (Throws another beanbag at Malik, which hits him in the face).

Malik: Rrgg… YAH! (Throws a dunking ball at Yami.)

              Yami sidesteps the ball easily.  He kneels down and picks it up.

Anzu: Yugi…

Yami smiles at Anzu, then turns and glares at Malik.  They both pause, trying to stare each other down.

(Insert tumbleweed and Old Western Duel theme: ooooOOOooohh… waw waw waw… Oh, come on, you know how it goes)

              Meanwhile, Jounouchi nervously fills himself with churros while Mai sits and waits.  Not sure how to handle the situation or what to say to Mai, Jounouchi eventually consumes a rather unhealthy amount of the sugary beasts.

Mai: Hey kid, you sure you haven't had enough of those?

              Jounouchi grins uneasily, unable to speak for the unholy quantity of churros in his mouth.

Mai: Alright, well… take your time, I guess… 

Somewhere across the park, Malik's rouge dunking ball finally comes down – on Ryou's head.  He wakes up suddenly as Bakura.  Kaiba and Shizuka, however, don't notice that he is conscious and continue speaking as if no one were watching (or reading  ^-^… if only they knew…)

Kaiba: What is it that you see in Ryou anyway?  He's pathetic.

              Bakura frowns to himself.

Shizuka: He's sweet!

Kaiba: You deserve better than him…

              Kaiba takes a step toward Shizuka.  Bakura decides that he doesn't like this.  From his prostrate position he grabs Kaiba's ankle and pulls it out from under him.  Kaiba trips forward into Shizuka and they both fall to the ground, Shizuka pinned under Kaiba.

Shizuka: …  - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

(birds fly into the air)

Jounouchi: Shizuka!

              Jounouchi gets up and dashes in the direction of his sister's scream.  Mai follows.

              At the dunking booth, everyone turns their head toward the distant cry.

Malik: (to Yami) You aren't going to run out on a challenge, are you –!

              Malik is struck in the face with a dunking ball, and before he can retaliate his attacker, Yami, moves on to free Honda and Otogi from the dunking booth and runs off toward the distant scream.

Malik: Oi!  Get back here, you coward!  That wasn't a showdown - you didn't even count to three, you cheater!  What sort of "King of Games" are you?!

              Yami pauses and looks over his shoulder at Malik.

Yami: You can insult me after you're improved your aim.  Let's go, Anzu.

              Anzu pauses, glancing back at Malik, who is indignantly nursing a bloody nose.

Anzu: I'm… I'm staying here.

              Yami pauses and turns around to face her.

Yami: What?  What are you saying?

              Anzu takes a deep breath and looks directly into Yami's eyes.

Anzu: I'm staying with Malik.

              Malik stares at her, bewildered.  So do Honda and Otogi, frozen in their tracks.

Malik: (doin' the "wiggly eye thing") Anzu…

Yami: Malik?  But what has he ever done for you?  He's our enemy – 

Anzu: He may be your enemy, but not mine!  You never pay attention to what _I_ think, Yugi!  And now you're running off to rescue some anonymous female screamer?!  Malik understands me!  I can tell him anything, and I know he'll always be there for me!

Yami: Anzu, how can you say that when you've only been speaking to him in a non-hostile manner for less than a chapter…?

Anzu: Don't make excuses, Yugi!  Just go!

              Anzu collapses in tears.  Malik runs to her and puts his hands on her shoulders, trying to comfort her.  He glares at Yami.

Yami: Anzu, I – 

Anzu: Leave me alone! (*sob*)

Malik: It's all right, Anzu.

              At a loss, Yami takes a few slow steps backward, then runs for it.  Honda and Otogi follow.

Yugi: (To Yami, in ethereal form) I thought you were supposed to _help_ me!

Yami: Well you should know, Aibou, that I am not very good at dealing with people…

              Yugi is suddenly distracted by the source of the scream, which advances with the horizon.

Yugi: Then you'd better let me take control for a while.  I think I see a situation coming up...

              Yami switches places with Yugi when he comes upon the predicted "situation."  Jounouchi and Mai have also just found Kaiba, Shizuka and Bakura.  Upon spotting Kaiba's questionable position, Jounouchi balls up his fists and shakes silently with rage, ready to explode.  Mai, however, beats him to it.

Mai: SETO KAIBA!

              Kaiba scrambles to his feet.

Kaiba: I can explain!  (A/N: -.-; _sigh_)

Mai: How can you treat a woman this way?!  It's unforgivable!

Kaiba: Listen, Mai – 

Mai: I don't want to hear it!  And after all you promised me, you fool around with some other girl!

              An abrupt, heavy silence falls over the group.  All eyes are on Mai.

Mai: I, er, well… that is – 

Kaiba: Dammit Mai!  No one was supposed to know!

Jounouchi: o.o

Kaiba: I told you to forget about that night!

Jounouchi: o.0;

Kaiba: And anyway, I was a little drunk at the time – 

Jounouchi: 0.0!!

Mai's eyes being to tear and her voice wavers.

Mai: But… I thought we had something special!

Kaiba: Don't make me laugh.  You mean nothing to me.

Shizuka: Kaiba…

Kaiba: ?

Shizuka: Kaiba… is this really true? (Tears begin to run down her face)

Kaiba: Shizuka…

              Kaiba kneels down to where Shizuka is still on the ground.

Kaiba: Shizuka, you know I'll never leave you.

Shizuka looks him in the eyes, sniffing.

Shizuka: How can I be sure of that?

Kaiba: I've made mistakes in the past, but I'm sure of this…

              Kaiba puts a hand on Shizuka's cheek and brushes away her tears with his thumb.  He leans in close…

Bakura: YAHH!  RA CURSE YOU TO THE UNDERWORLD, I'LL NOT BE MADE SICK _AGAIN_!!!

              Bakura effectively breaks up the couple by lifting Kaiba up and tossing him bodily into the nearby river of the Tunnel of Love.

Honda: Wow, that ride's been right there the whole time?  Glad we didn't use _that_ tired old plot device.

Otogi: Yeah, we've used just about every other one.

Shizuka: Bakura, what's wrong with you?

Bakura: Hn?  Ah… heh heh… that's right, you entered this place with the _other_ me…

              Bakura grabs Shizuka's arm and helps her to her feet.  She thanks him and starts to step away, but he doesn't let go and instead pulls her close to him.

Bakura: My Hikari is _far_ too shy…

              Jounouchi explodes (delayed reaction?) and .02 seconds later Bakura joins Kaiba in the Love River.  Several minutes pass.  Neither of them comes up for air.

Honda: Just what are they _doing_ down there?

              Yugi looks over the bank into the water.

Yugi: It seems like it's only a few feet deep… wait!  Do you think…

Honda: …It's the next exit?

              Yugi nods.

Jounouchi: Let's go find Anzu!

Yugi: Um, that might prove to be a problem…

Jounouchi: (squints his eyes and smiles in the "hee hee" type of face) What, did you two get in a fight?

Mai: Lay off the poor kid, Jounouchi.

Jounouchi: By the way Mai, about what Kaiba was saying – 

Mai: - What are we all standing around here for anyway?  Well, you boys never mind about Anzu – I'll go talk to her woman-to-woman.

              Mai storms off in a great hurry.  Yugi gives Jounouchi a sympathetic look.

Yugi: It's just been one of those days, Jounouchi…

*************************************

After searching through the seemingly endless park,  Mai hears voices coming from behind a door labeled: LOCKERS.  She pauses to listen.

Anzu: (giggles) c'mon Malik, let's just go.

Malik: You're such a goody-goody, Anzu.

Anzu: (gasp) Malik, what are you doing?!

Malik: Just having a little fun.

Anzu: Malik, stop it!  What if someone finds out!

Malik: You worry too much.

Anzu: Malik… this is just wrong.

Malik: Anzu, we're already in hell.  It doesn't matter.

Mai gets a little worried at this point.

Anzu: (whispering fiercely) Malik, what if he comes back…

Malik: Don't worry, the bathrooms are unlocked – let's do it in there.

Mai bursts through the door.

Mai: Alright, that's enough you sick little – 

Mai pauses at Malik and Anzu's baffled faces.  One of the lockers labeled "Beaver Boy" is swinging open and empty, and Malik is carrying a pike of messy clothes toward the bathroom.

Anzu: I told you not to steal the park mascot's clothes!  How would _you_ feel if someone hid _your_ clothes while you were stuck in a beaver costume?!

(A/N: I'm sorry, I just _had_ to! XD)

Malik: I'd just walk around naked!

Mai: THAT'S ENOUGH!  My mind is already reeling with unpleasant images.  C'mon you two.  I'm still not exactly clear on what's happening here, but Yugi says we've found the way out of this carnival, so let's get going.

She starts to leave to locker room, but stops when she realizes that Anzu and Malik aren't following her.

Mai: What's the matter?

Anzu looks at Malik lovingly, then turns toward Mai.

Anzu: Mai, we've decided to stay here.

Mai: (sigh) I figured as much.  Why?

Anzu: Yugi and the others will never accept us.  But I've never felt this way about anyone before!

Mai: How, brainwashed?

Anzu: What?

Mai: Never mind.  Listen, Anzu…

Mai takes Anzu by the hands and speaks very seriously.

Mai: Anzu, you have to consider the future.  A carnival is no place to raise a family. (She winks)

Anzu: I guess you're right…

Mai: Of course.  Now let's go.  I'm sure the others will let go of their feelings eventually.  _And hopefully so will you, once we leave…_

Anzu: Well… okay.  Malik?

Malik: If it'll make you happy, Anzu.

Mai: (rolls eyes) Glad that's done with.  We're out of here!

The three return to the Tunnel of Love river.  Everyone else has already left.  Malik peers uncertainly into the water.

Malik: Anzu… you know that once we leave, things will never be the same.

Anzu:  Don't say that, Malik!

The wind rustles through their hair.  Some of Mailk's hair gets stuck in his mouth and detracts slightly form the drama of the moment.  He flicks it away.

Malik: I just want you to know that whatever happens next, we'll face it together.

Anzu: Malik…

Mai: Oh God, I don't think the readers can take much more of this!

Anzu: You're just pissed because Jounouchi is socially inept.

SPLASH!  Mai shoves Anzu into the river.

Malik: Nooooooo!  Anzu!

Malik turns on Mai, tears in his eyes.

Malik: Why?  Why did you do it, Mai?!

Mai: (smiles and licks her lips) So I could have you all to myself!

Mailk: AHH! (jumps in the river)

Mai: Just kidding!  Knew that would get 'im.

Mai steps over the edge of the concrete walk and falls into the water…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[1] – OOC!  It begins. .

[2] – I love Yami's laugh in Japanese.  It's so understated and… un-maniacal. (o.O ?)

Oh God!  The cheesiness sickens even me (hmm…*smack*smack* . too cheesiful!)  But honestly… I had to .;

By the way… I have to apologize for the Honda and Otogi "coolness rating" thing.  They just don't seem to have a heck of a lot of fans… in fact, in most fics I've read people don't seem to like them much at all.  But Honda is actually pretty neat (mostly in the manga) in my opinion.  Sometimes he seems like one of those useless side characters, but he honestly does have a point – sometimes.  As for Otogi… I don't mind him.  I have to admit, I really hated him at first.  I mean, c'mon – he flipped his hair almost every two minutes in his battle with Yugi, and he had ugly, creepy cheerleaders to boot (why do the girls all hate Jounouchi?!).  But now I'm used to him.  He makes me laugh sometimes – like when he throws those stupid dice at people.  ^.^  It's kinda sad.  Also, I'll never forget that one Dub line from when he was fighting with Honda over Shizuka – it was something like, "Girls only go for men of action!" Referring to Honda's inability to duel.  This just cracked me up – since when is playing a card game "action?"  I mean, I'm all for nerds (hell, I'm one myself) but even I wouldn't call Otogi a "man of action…" XD

I can't take that boy seriously in any language. 

By the way…

INTERRUPTION OF RANDOMNESS! Fans of the American version may have noticed that I haven't given Ryou even a semblance of an English accent.  This is not due solely to laziness!  It is because I'm used to watching it in Japanese, and many of the dub voices now cause me pain.  (Although if that weren't the case, it would most definitely be due to laziness).  I don't mean to insult dub watchers at all – I mean, it's _really_ hard to find episodes in Japanese (at least is was for us) and even then they are horribly mis-subtitled, and require at least a minimal knowledge of Japanese to understand.  Also, despite the painful voice acting and absent plotline, I still like watching the show in English… for reasons I cannot fathom.  It's amusing, I think (see above). ^-^

You might ask, "So why don't you write more Japanese into your fic, if you have 'at least a minimal knowledge?'"  Well, that _is_ laziness.  It disrupts the flow of a scene to put in translation notes all the time, and I know it's extremely annoying when people leave words in Japanese but don't explain them. ("Aibou" means "partner," in case you didn't know ^-^;)  I'll put some in for flavoring, (maybe more as this thing progresses) but after that it's just kinda presumptuous.  Like the word presumptuous is!

In Japanese, Ryou's voice is wonderfully girly.  ^.^  I was surprised – I thought Yugi's voice was going to be girly (kinda like Son Goku, I guess) but it's actually sufficiently boyish (I think).  It's so cute it drives me crazy, though.  That voice has caused me a couple of heart attacks. u.u

The other voice that surprised me was Pegasus'.  That's because… it was almost exactly like his English voice!  He still sounds like a fruitcake!  And, he actually says "Yugi-boy" and "Kaiba-boy" in English, in the Japanese version.  -.o;  He's apparently supposed to be "American," so he throws random English words into his speech (even more often than other anime characters) and says "des" really annoyingly (ex. "No problem deeeeeeeessss!")  He is possibly the most annoying-while-being-entertaining anime character of all time, and his mocking deeply injures me. -.-;  But I figure it's only fair payback for all of the horrible media stereotyping of Asians there is in America.  So I shall complain no more.

Erg!!!  I wrote way too much.  Sorry! -.-;  But, one more thing: the chapters from now on are probably going to be pretty long, so it might take me longer to update.  Just letting you know – hang in there!


	7. RYOURAN PART 1

This is What You Get for Writing Fanfiction

_Attack of the slash-hatters_

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh or Piggly Wiggly.  Piggly Wiggly scares me (o_o;)

***

Sadistic Adolescent Torture.  Partially the reason for the late update.  I've been forced to peruse countless dauntingly large study guides in preparation for this.  It is also known as… the SAT.  And it is the great evil of the universe.

Arrg – a few of you said, "Thanks for updating quickly!" and now look what I've done!  GOMEN NASAI!!! ;_;  Part of the reason I could update so quickly before was spring break, which is now over. -.-;  I've been writing this chapter in bits and pieces when I've been bored at school (somehow, I'm still keeping up in my classes. ^.^  But I feel like a zombie… .;)

Alright, I've got a lot of notes about this chapter.  I sincerely apologize for running on so long – I hope this intro doesn't end up being longer than the chapter itself.  I have a lot to address, so please bear with me!

About the title: It's sort of a play on words.  Ryu-ran is the name of a card, which means "dragon egg," I believe (Pegasus has one).  But _ran_ could also be the phonetic pronunciation of the English word "run" (basically, _ran_ is how you would spell the word "run" in Japanese).  So hence, Ryou-ran means…well, you'll see.  ^.^

About slash: okay, I was under the impression that "slash" was any kind of pairing – basically, anything with a "/" (ex. Kaiba**/**Shizuka, Malik/Bakura, etc.) so the last chapter was based on random, mostly out-of-character pairings.  Some of you said it meant just gay couples; I guess I just take things too literally sometimes. (A-chan thinks: slash= / ) But thanks for the feedback!  Well, chapter 6 was all about straight couples…but how could I write a proper spoof without yaoi?  Don't worry, that's for a later chapter…

About episodes in Japanese:  I'm such a fool!  I've been scouring Chinatown for them (that's how we got the ones we have – we have the first three seasons).  E-bay, Good Lord!! (Slaps forehead) thanks TypoNumber5!  Incidentally, I can almost always pick out the names of characters (I watch way more anime than is healthy for a human being), but the mistranslations crack me up to no end.  It was kinda neat how they called Mai "Phoenix" for the longest time, but that series of episodes where Jounouchi was "Serenity" sorta threw me off.  And then, there was some dramatic moment where Yugi apparently yelled out "Seahorse!" (The first time I saw that done to Kaiba's name, I had to pause the DVD I was laughing so hard…) 

Oh, and SatanBarbie: if you're talking about upper hell, I guess that there are seven, but lower hell is still a part of hell, and all together there are nine.  For some reason, it's a common misconception that there are only seven.  But I have the book right here!  I'm not sure if you're talking about the Inferno, but Dante was the one who came up with the whole concept of "circles" of hell, and besides he's just cool.  There are even these cute little maps in my addition… see, first seven circles… the virtuous pagans and unbaptized children, the carnal, the gluttonous, the hoarders and wasters, the wrathful and sullen, the heretics, and then the suicides and some other people which I forgot and it doesn't specify, then there's the waterfall, and below that circle eight, which has all sorts of nasties (the violent and bestial, and the fraudulent and malicious), and then finally, deep down in circle nine are the betrayers (so says Jack Sparrow!).  Just so you know, I'm not using those as guides for the chapter subjects.  But I figure, if nine is a good number for Dante, it's a good number for me!

Last notes on the chapter: for this one I split up the Yami and Hikari of Yugi and Bakura, but not Malik.  Why?  I'll rant about that after the chapter.  Also, I switch suddenly to past tense first-person (Ryou is narrating).  It's on purpose; deal with it.  And finally… it's really bizarre.  I mean, I just don't know what to make of it.  I hope you guys like it thought.  Thank you so much for the long and interesting reviews!  Please continue to comment on anything in the future. ^.^

To make it up to you guys for taking so long, I have provided "links for the bored."  In case you have nothing to do after reading this.

First, my sister wrote a fic called "This is a Yaoi," even though it really isn't. You'll have to figure that out on your own. ^.~  It's bizarre but witty and well written, _I_ think.  Her screen name is ShiroiYami – look her up.  She is super-cool.

Next, if you're in an angsty mood or just like music, go here: www.deathmetalproject.com

It's a community service project by my friend Dark Metal Mercy.  She recorded three original tracks and is selling cd's for five bucks including shipping – all proceeds go to a local animal shelter (death metal for the dogs… sweet, neh?)  She has an awesome voice and a matching diva attitude (just listen to the mp3 sample!).

And finally, go visit www.briantravis.com  Why?  Because Brian Travis is one of the more awesome people in this universe.  Click on "music" (under the heading The Present) and download stuff!  I highly recommend the Conspiracy song – it's a surefire way to cheer yourself up after a bad run-in with the government (or if you just feel complainy ^.^)  I also suggest Best in Me, All that Remains, and Trampoline, although they're all good.  And if you like the stuff – buy his cd!

Okay, finally, here is your chapter.  You sure waited long enough for it!

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Drenched and unhappy, we find "our heroes" awkwardly avoiding each other's gazes while standing before the fourth gate.  Kaiba is utterly inconsolable, and is shooting death glances at anyone so insolent as to even think about stepping near him.  Honda and Otogi are sulking.  Anzu is apologizing to Yugi (in a somewhat confused manner) and Malik is shivering from the permanent trauma left by his too-fresh memories.  Mai is trying to explain to Jounouchi that she has no idea what happened in there, but didn't mean anything she said about Kaiba.  Really.  Jounouchi is slowly coming around.  But something is slightly different.  There are a few more people than before.

Yugi:  Yami!  You have your own body!

Yami: Yes, although I'm not sure how.

Anzu: But wait, doesn't that also mean – 

Bakura: HA HA!!  Free!  Utterly free!

Ryou: You guys, how did we get here?  I passed out in the carnival and now I'm confused…

Jounouchi: Wait!  What about Malik?

There is still, apparently, only one Malik.  However, before they have the chance to ponder this, the Loudspeaker crackles back into use.

A-chan: Hey people!  Enjoying your stay in lovely sunny Downtown?

A-chan's voice is met with an angry, incoherent uproar.

A-chan: Whoa, hey, calm down already!  I'm just the messenger.  Well, okay – I'm also the sadistic controller of you're futures.  That's life for you!  Anyway, my announcement is this: from now on, you can only escape the fic by making out in the rooms between circles, because you're not always under control of your actions within the circles themselves.  That is all! ~*crackle*~

Jounouchi: Wait, that's not fair!

Honda: I hope the next circle isn't something… unnatural… *shivers*

Bakura: Well, let's see.

All stare at the gate.  It reads:

RYOU-RAN

All are momentarily baffled.  Suddenly, Bakura cries out.

Bakura: No!  We can't go in!  We'll just stay here – 

Kaiba:  - For eternity?  Hmph.  It can't be worse than the last one.

Kaiba takes the handle of the next gate.

Bakura: Ryou, _ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnn!!!!_

The gate swings open faster than Ryou's reflexes, and the group falls through the threshold.

~~~~~

"You've been cheating on me!" Bakura screamed as he slapped me across the face.

"No I haven't!  Really, I - " I attempted to protest, but it was no use.  As usual.  My former Yami took me roughly by the shoulders and threw me against the wall.  The plaster cracked behind me, and bits of that irritating "cottage cheese" ceiling rained down like snow.

_"Goddam you kids!  I'm trying to cook here!" _Our upstairs neighbor yelled through the floor.

"You came home from Malik's awfully _late_ last night," Bakura growled.  As I began sliding down the wall he caught me by the arms and dragged me back up, pinning me.  "Well!  What were you doing, playing Twister?!"

_"Shut the hell up, you're going to ruin my Soufflé!"_  cried the man upstairs.  I rolled my eyes.  Why didn't he ever call the police?

"Don't you roll your eyes at me!" Bakura screamed, mistaking my meaning.  He hurled me to the floor.  I heard something crack besides the floorboards.

_"Alright that's it!"_  A door slammed upstairs, and I heard loud, thumping footsteps in the hall.  Finally, our angry neighbor burst through the door carrying a pathetic, deflated blob on a platter.  "Look at this!" He shoved the platter into my roommate's face.  "_Look at this!!  _Do you have any idea how long it takes to prepare?  _Witness your destruction of my masterpiece!"_  The man's face was red, and his eyes bulged as he waited for Bakura to respond.  Bakura gazed at the ruined Soufflé, then licked it.  This was a little more than our neighbor could take.

"IF YOU LIKE IT SO MUCH THEN EAT IT!"  He cried as he smashed the plate into Bakura's face and stormed out of the apartment.  Meanwhile, I took the opportunity to crouch to the floor and attempted to crawl away.

"Not so fast," Bakura said as he grabbed me by the collar.  "Go get me a towel."  He tossed me roughly aside.  I staggered to my feet and fetched a hand towel from the bathroom.  My roommate hastily wiped his face and threw the towel to the ground.  He turned his gaze on me again.  I shivered involuntarily.

"Ryou…" he spoke softly as he strode toward me.  As he got closer I took a short step back, but he caught my wrist and held me.  "Don't you love me?" He murmured, thin eyebrows raising a little.

"I'm not cheating on you," I responded.

"Prove it," He said and kissed me.  I almost wished our disgruntled neighbor would come back.  Bakura brushed my hair aside and bit my neck.

"I sort of wish you didn't have a blood fetish," I mumbled to him.

"God damn it!" He yelled suddenly.

"What?"

"It's all over the carpet," he pouted, referring to the blood he had spilt.  "The landlady's gonna kill me… Ryou, clean this up," he ordered, and flopped down on our couch.

"Yes, _master_," I grumbled sarcastically.  Bakura grinned.

"And when you're finished, we're going to have a little talk," he told me, but I knew that our "talk" wouldn't involve any talking at all.  Somehow, I had to get out of the apartment.

"Ah, Bakura, I think we're out of carpet cleaner," I told him while rummaging through the cabinets.

"Don't worry about it now, I'll go pick some up later."

"Um, well, I figured I'd get some drinks too, if I went now," I offered.  He perked up slightly at the prospect of alcohol.

"Alright, sure, whatever," he said, turning on the TV.  I made my way outside as unassumingly as possible.

As I hurried down the stairs of our apartment building, I took out my cell phone and dialed Malik's number.

"Hai, moshi moshi (yes, hello)," he responded on the other end.

"Hi, Malik, do you think you could pick me up right now?" I spoke rapidly.

"Ryou?  What's wrong - "

"Never mind, just please get here as quickly as you can."  I hung up and reached the front doors.  I didn't have to wait long before I heard the rumble of a motorcycle approaching.  I sighed with relief.

"Oi, hop on," Malik cried from the sidewalk.  I gladly obliged, and soon we were speeding off toward his apartment.

"So, what's going on?"  Malik yelled over the roar of the engine.

"What about prawn?" I yelled back, confused.

"I don't care about your lawn, tell me what's the matter!"

"Yes, my shirt _is_ tattered."

"My bladder is none of your business!"

"You got a ladder for Christmas?"

"It was a lad and some misfits?"

I sighed.  "I can't hear you - let's talk when we get there."

"No one puts chalk in their hair," He responded, and increased our speed.  I was not sure how I offended him, but he was silent the rest of the way there.

~~~

"Now," Malik said as he closed the door behind him.  "Can you tell me what's going on?"

We had arrived at Malik's apartment.  It was a little smaller than mine, but considering that only Malik lived there it was pretty nice.  It wasn't exactly clean, though.

"Geez, Malik, I never figured you for an alcoholic," I muttered while picking up pieces of a broken bottle.  The whole apartment looked like it had been ravaged.  "How did this happen?  Everything was fine when I left yesterday - "

"- Never mind about that.  And stop it, you're not my housecleaner," Malik said, taking the glass shards out of my hands and throwing them away.  "Why did you call me?"

I hesitated.  I knew that if I told Malik about what Bakura was doing, he'd want to go over there and settle it himself.  But he was no match for my roommate, and I would only pay for it later.

"Well, the air conditioner broke, and I was getting a little toasty, so - "

" – Oh, cut the crap Ryou.  That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard (A/N: truly -.-;)."  Malik stepped toward me.  "He's been hurting you again, hasn't he?"  I didn't respond, but my face must have given it away. (Ryou's face: .;)

"Ryou, stop protecting him!"  Malik shouted.  "I don't understand you at all.  Why don't you just leave him?"

"I don't know," I mumbled to the floor.  "It's as if I'm bound to the place, somehow.  I've tried to leave a few times, but I always end up back there - as if someone keeps dragging me back, ignoring the laws of plot development…"

Malik sighed.  "Well," he said finally, "you know that you can stay here as long as you like.  There's not much room, but you can sleep wherever you want, I don't care."

Malik gasped as I crossed the room and hugged him.

"Thank you, Malik," I said.

He smiled.  "It's the least I can do," he told me.  Then he frowned and pushed me away.  "Wait, what am I thinking?!  You can't stay here, it's just as dangerous as it is at your place - "

"Malik, what are you talking about?"  I asked as he began pacing back and forth.  He glanced at me, worried.

"It's nothing, I – I just… I can't let you stay.  I'm sorry, it's for your own safety."

"What is!?"  I cried, frustrated.  "Listen, Malik, I trust you.  It's alright, whatever it is, I'm sure it's fine."

Malik looked at me with a searching expression, then closed his eyes and sighed quietly.  He spoke, more to himself than me, "Yes, I suppose it would be alright.  He trusts me, so maybe nothing would happen…"

"Um, Malik," I asked, a little disconcerted, "now what are you talking about?  Are you alright?"

"Yes, fine!"  He said abruptly.  "I'll get out the extra mattress.  Is the floor okay?"

"Fine," I said slowly.  I paused, waiting for him to explain, but no explanation came.  Instead, he busied himself in the closet.

"Got it!  Ryou, could you give me a hand with this?"  Malik called.  He shoved some junk out of the way, and I helped him pull a tattered, lumpy mattress out of the closet.  I still wondered what he had been mumbling to himself, but I decided to let it go.  I would probably find out soon enough, anyway.

~~~

I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.  I'd been having a nightmare, and-

…

Someone was breathing down my neck.  I didn't move.

"Malik," I whispered, "is that you?"

"Sort of," a voice murmured back.  I heard a low, eerie laugh.  It made my skin crawl, as though there was an octopus on my back.[1]

"Um, Malik, you're making me really nervous."

"Really now?"

"Yes, um, I kind of have a personal space issue, so if you could just - "

"Oh, am I bothering you?"  The voice laughed again.  It was a twisted, disturbing voice.  Definitely not Malik's.  A hand grabbed my shoulder and spun me around.  In the gloom I could barely make out two dark, violet eyes staring into mine.

"I'm glad my other self brought you here," the owner of the eyes grinned.  "I was getting lonely."

"MALIK!"  I screamed, struggling to get away.  I didn't like where this was going.

"Malik isn't in at the moment," the stranger's smile twisted into an odd expression.  His grip on me tightened.

"What have you done with him?" I asked, shivering.

The shadow laughed again. "He is weak in his sleep.  It was easy for me to take control."

I tried to twist away, not wanting to know more, but the stranger held fast.

"HELP!  SOMEONE-" I called out, but was muffled as the stranger covered my mouth with his hand.  I waved my arms wildly, hoping to find something to defend myself with.  Finally, my fingers brushed against one of the broken bottle shards.  I seized it and drove it into my attacker's shoulder.  He cried out in pain and released me.  As I scrambled away I noticed that he resembled Malik a little, and was even wearing the same nightclothes.  But I didn't have time to think about it – before he had the chance to recover I bolted for the door and rushed outside, slamming it behind me.  As soon as I was out, I ran.

***********************************

I ran for quite a while before I stopped to figure out where I was.

When I finally did get my bearings, however, I didn't feel much better off.  I knew I had to get inside incase Bakura came looking for me, not to mention the fact that I was tired and it was still sometime before midnight – I guessed because there were still crowds milling about.  But the closest house that I could take refuge in was Yami's house… and I wasn't sure that I would be welcome there.  However, I decided to chance it and took the few streets that led there.

When Yami answered the door and realized who it was, his expression confirmed my suspicions.  He narrowed his eyes and I couldn't help but shudder, remembering.  I couldn't blame him if he didn't forgive me.

"What are you doing here?" He asked coldly.

"I need your help," I whispered desperately.  "Please, I have nowhere left to go."

Yami looked me over sternly, then closed his eyes.

"Alright," he sighed.  "Come in."

I stepped into the entryway, glancing over my shoulder as I did.  I've learned to be careful.

"Would you like anything?" Yami asked almost mockingly as he closed the door behind me.  "Tea, perhaps?"

"Yami," I began, but he cut me off.

"Why, Ryou?  Why do you still associate with him?!  You can't tell me that you forgive him for what he did…" Yami's voice wavered.  I looked at the floor.

"Yami… I'm sorry - ah!" I cried out as he slapped me across the face.

"Sorry?  _Sorry?!_  Apologies won't bring Yugi back!"

"It was Bakura – I can't control him - "

"You _let_ him control you," Yami spat, his eyes blazing.  "Look at you!  You're a mass of scars.  And that elephant one is just sick…" he said, referring to the design Bakura had carved into my shoulder one long, cable-less night a week ago.

"It was supposed to be a rhinoceros," I mumbled absentmindedly as I traced the scar with my finger.

"That isn't the point," Yami looked me in the eyes for the first time that evening.  "You can't go on this way.  Eventually your strength will fail you.  Yugi…" Yami's voice broke and he closed his eyes.  I put my hand on his shoulder.

"Yami… I'm here because I want to escape Bakura, once and for all.  Will you help me?"

Yami shot me a fierce glance, then sighed.

"Please," I begged him.  "I have no one to turn to."

"What about your parents?" He asked.

I paused, taken aback.  "Yami… didn't you hear?"

He shook his head, confused.

"They… they died.  Their schooner was hit by a falling jet while they were out fishing."

"That was them?"  His eyes widened.  "That freak plane-crashing-into-boat accident?"

I nodded.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know…" he mumbled, trailing off.  He stared into the distance for a moment, then seemed to snap back to reality.  He sighed.

"You can stay tonight," he said, looking me in the eye, "but you must resolve this situation yourself."  He stifled a yawn.  "I haven't been sleeping well since that night," he explained quickly, giving extra emphasis to the last two words.  "I believe I've been sleepwalking, so if I wander in the middle of the night don't be alarmed."

***

I was a little alarmed.

I had woken from my rather restless sleep on the couch to a crashing noise coming from the kitchen.  I sat up to see Yami leaning in the doorframe between the kitchen and the living room.  His dark form was imposing and a little frightening, and he clutched in his hand something long and pointed that he must have left on the cutting board.

"Fiend…" he muttered, taking a step toward me.  "Murderer…"

"Yami, it's me, Ryou," I told him, rising slowly from the couch.

"You can't fool me, tomb robber." He sneered and waved the object at me, which I couldn't make out in the dark.

"Yami, be careful where you point that - "

"What, this?  Oh, you're right." He laughed, then strode quickly across the room to me.  "I just sharpened it yesterday."  As he approached it became clear that his weapon was a carrot.  "Wouldn't want to hurt anyone by accident."

_Thank God he only wants to kill me in _his_ sleep, _I thought.  _Still, I don't want to take any chances.  That vegetable makes me nervous_.

"Yami," I said, trying to make my voice sound calm, "why don't you just put that down - "

He interrupted me with a low laugh that grew slowly to an alarming pitch.  Then he stopped suddenly.

"Don't play innocent with me!"  He thrust the carrot into the air about two feet to my left, then turned in my direction.  "You're fast… but you can't run from me!"

I tried to run anyway, but he caught me by the arm and pulled me back.  He wrapped his other arm across me and held the carrot to my neck.  "I have you now… heh…"

I held my breath.

"Say goodbye, tomb robber."  He dragged the carrot slowly across my neck and let go of me.  I fell obligingly to the ground.

I lay still for a moment, listening for what Yami might do.  I was surprised when, a few moments later, I heard sniffling noises.

"What have I done," he whispered, tears sliding down his face.  "Oh, what have I done…"

He staggered backward, then suddenly stared at the carrot in his hand.

"Yugi," he said, his voice barely audible, "I'll join you soon…"

"No!  Don't do it!"  I cried, scrambling to my feet.

He was too fast for me.  He raised the carrot to his head.

"Bang!"

I squeezed my eyes shut, and when I opened them Yami was crumpled on the floor.  I glanced out the window and saw a light go on in one of the neighbor's houses – I couldn't stick around.  Once again, I escaped into the night.

***

My lack of sleep was starting to wear on me.  I began to feel dizzy, but I kept walking, hoping to find some friendly face or place of shelter.  I shivered from the cold - Yami hadn't lent me any pajamas and my clothes were wearing thin.  I felt that they would tear with the slightest stress.  

As I walked toward a nearby shopping center I felt a hand on my shoulder.  I jumped and spun around in alarm, only to find that my assailant was Seto Kaiba.  I sighed in relief.

"Oh, Kaiba, thank God it's only you.  I was afraid that… well, never mind."

Kaiba gazed at me without expression.  "What are you doing out so late?"

My face reddened and I avoided his gaze.  What would Kaiba think if he knew of my pathetic situation?  I doubted he would help me.  "I, er, ran out of milk, so…" I was startled when Kaiba touched my shoulder again.

"You're a mess," he said, noticing my scars and tattered clothing.  Then he turned his eyes to mine.  "What's happened to you?"  There was a hint of anger in his voice.  Before I could respond, however, the roar of a motorcycle filled our ears, followed closely by an all-too-familiar yelling voice.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF RYOU-CHAN!  HE'S MINE!"

Bakura's face was livid, and I shivered as Malik parked his motorcycle on the sidewalk and he and Bakura got off.  Malik looked somewhat apologetic.

"When I came to my senses and realized you were gone, I was worried," he said.  "I went looking for you and ran into him on the way."  He jabbed his thumb in Bakura's direction.  "He insisted on coming."

"Did you do this to him?"  Kaiba addressed Bakura with fierce eyes.

"He's mine, what does it matter to you?"  Bakura snapped.  After a short pause, he narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"Ryou, you didn't run to this bastard for help, now did you?  I'll teach you to betray me - " He lunged at me, but Kaiba pulled me back just in time.  Unfortunately, my poor exhausted shirt fell apart in the process.

…

There was a brief pause, and all three of them stared at me.  I shivered again.

"You pervert!"  My yami gasped at Kaiba, his eyes wide.  Kaiba was, for once, at a loss.  "I never thought _you_, of all people - "

"I think it was an accident, Bakura," I mumbled in Kaiba's defense, as Kaiba seemed unable to speak.

"Wait, I see what's going on here,"  Bakura glared at Kaiba, and then at me.  He paused, presumably for dramatic effect.  "You're cheating on me with Kaiba!"  Bakura crossed his arms in triumph after coming to this conclusion.  Kaiba turned white.

"How dare you accuse…I…" he stuttered. "I… didn't know he was taken," he finished lamely.

Before I could think about the implication of those words, Bakura charged at Kaiba, who tried to sidestep him but wasn't entirely successful.  He was still partly in shock as he attempted to fend off Bakura's wrath.  While they fought, I felt a hand grab my wrist.  Another hand slid around my waist and pulled me close to some presence behind me.  The hair on the back of my neck prickled.

"Fools," A voice muttered over my shoulder, "to let their anger distract them from you."

The hand that gripped my wrist disengaged and began playing with my hair.  The other hand still had me held fast, and I was uncomfortably aware that I didn't have a shirt anymore.

"Marik," I whimpered, aware now that he was the same person I had encountered at Malik's apartment – and that he was a darker side of Malik, rather like Bakura was mine.

"Why are you doing this?"  I whispered, frightened.

"Because you're just so damn cute," he whispered back.

"Ryou-chan!" Bakura, noticing my predicament, abandoned Kaiba and pulled me away from Marik, tossing me to the side.

After wandering half the night, cold, alone, and sleepy, I finally lost myself to fatigue.  As I staggered to the side, my vision hazy while I glimpsed Bakura and Malik bitchslapping each other, I tripped over the edge of the sidewalk and fell into the street.

The last thing I saw as the 18-wheeler skidded in front of me was the smiling face of Piggly Wiggly before I mercifully lost consciousness.

~~~

I awoke to a blinding bright room and a gentle beeping sound.  At the time I wasn't sure what condition I was in – I was so drugged on painkillers that I was practically numb.  I felt like I weighed a thousand pounds, and I smelled faintly of diesel and groceries.

I noticed a man in a white coat standing over me with a clipboard and pen.

"Doctor," I mumbled, barely coherent, "am I going to be alright?"

"You're going to be fine," the doctor said with a doctorly smile.  "I wish all our patients who were hit by 18-wheelers were in as good shape as you are!"  He gave a brief laugh.  He checked himself as he caught my serious expression.

"Yes, well.  Like I said, you're going to pull through.  However, I'm afraid I have some difficult news…"

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[1] I am so sorry! XD

Oh man, that was weird.  Sorry to pull a _To Be Continued_ on you, but if I didn't break up this chapter I might never have updated!  And we can't have that!

Okay, you've probably figured out that this is a spoof of Ryou abuse fics.  Why must they torture Ryou?!  Doesn't he have enough problems?  And it's done by Ryou fangirls, on top of that… incidentally, I have some Bakura myths to bust!

Bakura myth #1: Bakura hates Yami, "The Pharaoh"

Actually, he doesn't feel negatively toward Yami or Yugi (at least as far as I've gotten in the series – I could be wrong).  He's not specifically against them – they only end up battling when their objectives clash.  Bakura is all about getting what he wants, but he isn't gratuitously malicious or sadistic.  He just likes to scare people.  And at one point he even says (referring to Malik), "Any enemy of Mutou Yugi is an enemy of mine," or something very close to that.  Which brings me to my second myth:

Bakura myth #2: Bakura gets along with (or even likes) Malik.

Actually, Malik seems to piss him off.  At their initial meeting (when they strike up a bargain of sorts) Malik says he's only interested in killing the Pharaoh, and Bakura thinks to himself, _Bastard_… (this also supports my first point).  Later, when Malik travels to Ryou's subconscious, Bakura is definitely not happy to see him and even yells at him a little.  And of course, he ends up breaking their deal during his duel with Yami, and chooses his Hikari over Malik.  Which also happens to bring me to the last myth:

Bakura myth #3: Bakura hates his Hikari

Okay, so maybe he totally ignores Ryou, poses as Ryou to fool Ryou's friends, and takes control of their body for days on end, seeming not to care if he injures himself in the process.  Yami ignored Yugi for quite a while also.  But when it comes down to it, Bakura would protect Ryou from harm, and wouldn't betray him for his own ends.  Remember when Malik caused him to switch with Ryou so that Yami wouldn't attack with Osiris for fear of causing Ryou "psychological damage?" (Ryou was soo pathetic in that scene, I wanted to cry).  Bakura wouldn't go through with it, even though it caused him to lose (and for someone with his ego, that's something!  He calls himself "ore-sama" for crying out loud – the closest equivalent in English is Lord Me.)  And of course, he had to go out laughing like a maniac, as though he'd planned it all along.  That's just Bakura for you – the guy's got style.

An explanation: I didn't break Malik into his two forms because essentially, while the other Malik is like a darker half, he's not really a different person the same way Bakura and Yami are different from Ryou and Yugi.  Bakura and Yami are spirits trapped in the sennen items, and that isn't the case with Malik because (and I think they neglected to mention this in the English version!!) the sennen rod is _supposed_ to belong to Kaiba!  Malik's "Yami" is more like the result of multiple personality disorder – a separate persona born of traumatic childhood events.

Okay, I think that's it!  Please don't kill me for the delayed update… I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up, but don't forget about me!  I'll be around.

Always,

A-chan ^.~


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